Like Trees Planted…

Growth requires planting.

I’ve re-written this post so many times over the past month because it’s raw, real, and in-process. I’m not yet on the other side. But, I know it’s around the corner because we serve a God that always brings us through stronger and victorious. I hope this encourages you to remain steadfast, with your eyes fixed and trust placed in Jesus.

I wrestled with and almost left my local church.

God brought me to this church in the most God-like way 5 years ago. It was an answer to prayer. The honeymoon phase was great…and then it ended. I was doing all the things, giving every ounce of time, saying yes to everything…..but I felt invisible and undesired beyond my giftings. Relationships, especially with leaders, were fleeting. I couldn’t shake the lies that I didn’t belong, I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t have what they needed or wanted, and I didn’t matter. Then, my friends moved on from the church. Words were unintentionally spoken that made me feel more broken than ever. What began as a small grain of disappointment became a deep, unshakeable well.

Then, one night, as I was crying on my couch, God intervened with all love and grace. He led me to Psalms 1:1-3 (NLT) and impressed on my heart the importance of staying planted, despite my feelings. Breakthrough and blessing were waiting on the other side of this valley.

He reminded me not to be led by my feelings. He reminded me that there is no perfect church. He reminded me that I needed to forgive and surrender my expectations. I needed to pray for and honour my leaders. I needed to respond in the opposite spirit. I needed to fix my eyes on Jesus. I knew I could no longer give my disappointment the authority to dictate my actions. I needed to be obedient to what God was asking of me.

I needed to stay and plant some deep roots. So, I returned to my local church while I was still in-process.

In the secret and hidden place, I humbled myself before God and repented for my self-focused attitude. It’s okay to grieve and feel the feelings but, it’s not okay to stay there – and I was stuck there. I prayed Psalms 51:10-12 (NLT). I laid down pride and picked up humility. I put on courage and commanded insecurity to go. And, when those feelings of disappointment came knocking, I prayed through them. I kept showing up to church – even if I cried in the back row the entire time. Why? Because I knew God had something good on the other side of this journey.

I knew God was developing deep roots of trust, obedience, surrender….and developing He is. This is where I’m at today. I’m showing up and trusting God with every breath. I’m praying and posturing my heart for what God has next. I’m allowing Him to do His good and refining work in me.

If you can relate, or have walked through a similar experience, here are some things to consider:

1. Don’t give up on the local church. There is no perfect church but I do know that God has a local church for you to plant yourself in. Pray and ask him for guidance.
2. Don’t be led by your feelings. They are great indicators but lousy navigators.
3. Don’t let your hurt isolate you or convince you that you’re not wanted. God has a purpose and plan for you, that cannot be unwritten by circumstance, hurt, or disappointment. If you let Him, God will use your journey for His glory. Put all your trust, hope, expectation, and eyes on Him.

Keep going and growing. It’s worth it!