ashleyannekruger

Like Trees Planted…

Growth requires planting.

I’ve re-written this post so many times over the past month because it’s raw, real, and in-process. I’m not yet on the other side. But, I know it’s around the corner because we serve a God that always brings us through stronger and victorious. I hope this encourages you to remain steadfast, with your eyes fixed and trust placed in Jesus.

I wrestled with and almost left my local church.

God brought me to this church in the most God-like way 5 years ago. It was an answer to prayer. The honeymoon phase was great…and then it ended. I was doing all the things, giving every ounce of time, saying yes to everything…..but I felt invisible and undesired beyond my giftings. Relationships, especially with leaders, were fleeting. I couldn’t shake the lies that I didn’t belong, I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t have what they needed or wanted, and I didn’t matter. Then, my friends moved on from the church. Words were unintentionally spoken that made me feel more broken than ever. What began as a small grain of disappointment became a deep, unshakeable well.

Then, one night, as I was crying on my couch, God intervened with all love and grace. He led me to Psalms 1:1-3 (NLT) and impressed on my heart the importance of staying planted, despite my feelings. Breakthrough and blessing were waiting on the other side of this valley.

He reminded me not to be led by my feelings. He reminded me that there is no perfect church. He reminded me that I needed to forgive and surrender my expectations. I needed to pray for and honour my leaders. I needed to respond in the opposite spirit. I needed to fix my eyes on Jesus. I knew I could no longer give my disappointment the authority to dictate my actions. I needed to be obedient to what God was asking of me.

I needed to stay and plant some deep roots. So, I returned to my local church while I was still in-process.

In the secret and hidden place, I humbled myself before God and repented for my self-focused attitude. It’s okay to grieve and feel the feelings but, it’s not okay to stay there – and I was stuck there. I prayed Psalms 51:10-12 (NLT). I laid down pride and picked up humility. I put on courage and commanded insecurity to go. And, when those feelings of disappointment came knocking, I prayed through them. I kept showing up to church – even if I cried in the back row the entire time. Why? Because I knew God had something good on the other side of this journey.

I knew God was developing deep roots of trust, obedience, surrender….and developing He is. This is where I’m at today. I’m showing up and trusting God with every breath. I’m praying and posturing my heart for what God has next. I’m allowing Him to do His good and refining work in me.

If you can relate, or have walked through a similar experience, here are some things to consider:

Don’t give up on the local church. There is no perfect church but I do know that God has a local church for you to plant yourself in. Pray and ask him for guidance.
Don’t be led by your feelings. They are great indicators but lousy navigators.
Don’t let your hurt isolate you or convince you that you’re not wanted. God has a purpose and plan for you, that cannot be unwritten by circumstance, hurt, or disappointment. If you let Him, God will use your journey for His glory. Put all your trust, hope, expectation, and eyes on Him.

Keep going and growing. It’s worth it!

Through the Valley

“I don’t know how you do it.”

When I share pieces of my story or even glimpses into my day-to-day life, it’s only a matter of time before this phrase emerges to commend or contravene. You see, I’m a full-time single mamma with a full-time corporate career, with full-time hopes and dreams. That’s my story so far. But, it hasn’t always been my story and it won’t always be my story.

There was a time when I wasn’t a mamma. There was a time when I wasn’t single (and I’m believing for that time again). There was a time when I didn’t have the full-time corporate career. There was a time when I was convinced my hopes and dreams would never come to pass. There was, and continues to be, times when I have to walk through the valley to get to the victory on the other side.

I’ve walked through and wrestled with the sting of rejection, the anguish of heartbreak, the paralysis of anxiety, and the despondency of loneliness. The weight, depth, and immensity of these valleys so often brought me to the end of myself. They almost took me out…almost.

It might be easier to say that my faith got me through. But, to be honest, in those valleys, I didn’t have a lot of faith. In fact, I would question if God was really there. I wrestled with my faith because I could only see the circumstance surrounding me. I couldn’t see God. I couldn’t hear Him. I couldn’t feel Him.

How does that song go? “Even when I can’t see it, you’re working. Even when I don’t feel it, you’re working” (Waymaker – Sinach). Our doubts do not inhibit the ability of God to show up. He’s just waiting for us to lean in His direction – doubts and all.

And, that’s what I did. I leaned…time and time again. I leaned until I knew He was my rock at the bottom. I leaned until I knew He was my peace in the chaos. I leaned until I knew He was my comforter and light in the dark. I’m still in awe of how in the worst moments – the “I can’t do this” raw moments – God would meet me there, every single time. When I didn’t deserve it or even want it – He was there. He had me, no matter what.

If I can encourage you for a moment…whatever valley you’re walking through, remember you’re walking through it. You will see joy again. The heavy raw moments will try to take you out – Don’t let them. They are but moments – immense and overwhelming – but they will pass, as surely as the sun rises and sets each day. Scream, shout, bare your soul before God. Cast every care on Him. He can take it, so you don’t have to carry it. He’s not scared of your emotion. You are not alone in this valley. He is with you.

I grew up with Psalms 23. It was one of those passages that I memorized and quoted in conversation all the time. But, it wasn’t until I walked through the valleys that this passage truly came to life for me. Oh how I love that God’s word is living and active. It comes alive in fresh ways every season.

When I needed comfort, I would remember the words “You are close beside me” (Psalms 23:4 NLT). I was not alone.

When I needed strength, I would remember “He renews my strength…Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me” (Psalms 23:3-4 NLT). I could persevere because He sustained me.

When I needed peace, I would remember “He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams” (Psalms 23:2 NLT). I could surrender my troubles to God. He wanted to carry the weight, so I could receive His perfect peace.

When I needed love, I would remember “Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life” (Psalms 23:6 NLT). I was loved.

So, “how do I do it?”

I run to the Father, every day. I firmly fasten myself in the shadow of His wing, allowing Him to do his perfect work in me. I cast every overwhelming moment onto Him. I refuse to carry the weight that comes from trying to control the uncontrollable.

I pray.

I pause and breathe (a lot!).

I take things one step at the time, faithfully stewarding each moment before me and leaving the future in God’s more-than-capable hands. I feel the feelings but don’t let them control me. I don’t make any life-changing decisions in the moment (learned that one the hard, hard way).

I keep going.

I let go of self-imposed expectation. I say ‘no’ to comparison. I stand firm on the truth that I’m loved, not alone, and have a hope and a future. I receive His grace, as I stumble imperfectly through.

I remember that for every valley, a victory lies on the other side.

Hello Detour…

Have you ever struggled to find the words to answer the question “How are you doing?” Sure, it’s easy to say “good” or “fine” or some variation of that automatic response. But, can you answer that question honestly for yourself?

I’ve recently found myself in a season where I couldn’t answer that question. I couldn’t find the words because I didn’t know, and I didn’t want to know. In fact, I did everything to avoid it because I feared the honest answer. Every time I came close, surges of emotion would rise to the surface so strongly that what came out in the moment was exhaustion, disappointment, frustration, discouragement – you name it. Oh, and there were tears…lots of tears (but always in private). I buried all the feelings unintentionally through overcommitment because the more I took on, the more people noticed and applauded me. The unhealthier I got, the more opportunity and recognition there was. It became a vicious cycle.

As I write this, all I want to do is tell myself to stop and deal with your stuff. Just acknowledge you’re not okay. No one will think less of you. But, I wouldn’t have had this past year of divine detour if I did. So, here’s a glimpse into my detour – my beautiful messy year that helped me find myself again and answer that classic question “How are you doing?”

My detour began August 25, 2019 and came to a head on November 19, 2019. These dates in and of themselves aren’t important but it’s what they represent that is. The first one burst my denial bubble and the second was the beginning of a life reset. Suddenly, whether I wanted to or not, I had to deal with my stuff. Thank you, Lord! This was what I needed so desperately but, oh, it was the last thing I wanted. Thank you, God, for all the times you give us what we need instead of what we want! Your ways are truly better.

On November 19^th, I was put on emergency medical leave from all my various forms of work. Yes, all my denial and overcommitment had finally taken a toll not just on my heart and mind but on my body too. I was ordered to stop everything and “learn how to rest.” Now, this may have come from my doctor but, I know that ultimately it was God calling me to sit with him awhile. Just like that, Psalms 23 took on a whole new meaning for me. “True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction.” (Psalm 23:3 MSG) Yes, sometimes He needs to make us lie down in green pastures and sit beside still waters so He can restore our soul (Psalms 23:2-3a NIV). So, I surrendered, stopped, and started to see the incredible favour of God over this detour. I embraced the uncomfortable, unwanted pause.

Can I just encourage you for a second? Embrace the unexpected divine detours. Don’t fight them – it only prolongs the inevitable at the expense of yourself and your destiny. Save the fight for the real enemy who wants to distract and discourage you until you’re no longer a threat.

So, what did I learn and receive during this pause? How am I doing?

There’s an old worship song that is still one of my all-time favourites and was so relevant in this pause. The Heart of Worship by Matt Redman. “When the music fades, all is stripped away, and I simply come. Longing just to bring something that’s of worth, that will bless your heart.” Yes, when all was removed and I was sitting alone, undistracted, in my living room for days, weeks, months, I finally acknowledged the deep insecurities, disappointments, and lies that needed to come into the light. I allowed God to go deep to the roots and remove the weeds, so that I could offer something of worth once again.

It was a long process. And, in many ways, it’s not done. Guess what? Processes aren’t instant – they take time, especially if you want the best outcome. Embrace it. Don’t let discouragement creep in when it’s not instant. It’s going to take time. God’s all about the process and patient endurance (Hebrews 10:35-36 NLT). The speed to which we move through the detour depends entirely on our ability to surrender and learn our grace-filled, love-infused lesson. In the detour, He’s preparing us for the next season. God knows what you can’t take into the next season. He loves us so much that He’ll allow a delay, so we’re properly equipped and unencumbered.

This detour reset my life. It re-ordered my priorities and perspective. It re-awakened hopes and dreams. It developed deeper faith and convictions. It reminded me of who I am and who defines me.

I was reminded of how words spoken take root in our hearts and minds, even if they seem momentarily harmless. It could be words spoken to ourselves or others. Or, words spoken by others to us. I had to face and repent of the words I’ve spoken over my own life. These words ultimately fed the lies that I needed to strive and prove my worth, that I was unlovable, and that I had to be who others needed to me. I had to embrace that, in God, I am good enough and I’m loved without measure. There is nothing I have, can, or will do to qualify or disqualify me from God’s love (Romans 8:31-39 NLT). He won’t reject me because He loved me first (1 John 4:9-10 NLT). I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14 NIV).

I also had to acknowledge and surrender words spoken to me in ignorance. Words that made me look at myself as undesirable, from appearance to relationships to personality. There’s a fine line between focusing on our weaknesses for the sake of growth and fixating on them until you believe they are all you are. Oh for the tear-flooded moments when God would reveal how words around my appearance (weight and scars), relationships (rejection because I have a child, assumptions that I don’t have friends), and personality (being critiqued every time I open my mouth – I either talk too much or not enough) had taken such deep root that I no longer saw them as lies but truth. But, once the light exposes the hurt, lies, and disappointment, God can bring the healing and grace for forgiveness.

I was reminded to get out of my head. One of the side effects of striving is the residency of your own inner critic. I was living my life like a game of chess. Every word and action was under my own personal microscope. If I was living at an internal 1,000x zoom lens, then external criticism upped it ten-fold. I lived in my head and it was exhausting! I filtered and calculated everything all the time. The worst part, people loved this version of me from work to church. Of course they did! I was what they wanted me to be. But I felt so alone. On the outside, I was perceived as a strong, confident, successful woman. On the inside, I was a complete insecure wreck, petrified that if anyone saw the real me, that all my fears would be justified. I needed to anticipate what’s next so that I could respond the way I was expected to. And, when I got it wrong, I was a failure. Thus, fueling and justifying the lies around my appearance, relationships, and personality. We are meant to live from a place of rest and grace. And, that isn’t found in your head. That is found in God the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, our Advocate. Whose voice are you listening to? Whose voice are you letting define you? So, as I sat for these long months beside quiet waters, dwelling in God’s presence, allowing his truth to wash over my heart and mind, I witnessed the striving and inner critic break away. The freedom! This is when I was able to start truly resting for the first time in decades. This is where the healing really started to prevail.

I was reminded to turn off the noise – figuratively and literally. Medical leave took care of my overcommitment coping strategy but that was only part of what was needed. I needed to stop patching myself with momentary things. I needed to put down the phone, turn off social media, turn off the TV, stop filling my calendar with hangouts. I needed to be a ghost for a while. I needed to be still and remove the distractions. It was hard! In setting aside the noise, it only seemed to amplify the loneliness. If I wasn’t posting on social media, no one texted me. In fact, I can count on one hand how many people reached out to me in a six-month span to see how I’m doing. I’m talking about the people who reached out genuinely, without needing something from me or without being asked. It was brutal and in so many ways I had to battle against disappointment and discouragement. But, in setting aside the distractions, I saw comparison fall away, I realized the beauty and reality of true friendship (so thankful for my besties!), and I found myself again.

If you haven’t guessed it yet, I am a Type 7w8 on the Enneagram. And, guess what? My personality loves the noise, the adventure, the momentary fixes. I learned so much about this tool that is the Enneagram over the past months from counselling. It helped me go to God with some long overdue hard-core questions. It also helped me to learn the importance of setting boundaries. But, beyond this, I’ve learned we all love distractions, regardless of personality type. We all have our coping mechanism. For me, it’s filling the void with anything social (work, events, hangouts, etc.), so I don’t have to deal with the void. But, thanks to God, I don’t have to live like that! I’m so grateful that I know about these tendencies but I’m even more grateful that in God they don’t define or control me. So, what’s the solution? Being rooted in God. Yes, that means I need to start and end my day with Him. That I need to seek Him throughout the day too. When you keep coming back to the Source – you stay connected. God will faithfully “transform you into a new person by changing the way you think” (Romans 12:2 NLT). He’ll “renew your thoughts and attitudes” (Ephesians 4:23 NLT). He’ll give you “fresh strength” when you wait on Him (Isaiah 40:31 MSG). Thank you, Lord!

What a process, hey?! And, it’s still ongoing for me. God hit the pause button in a big way. I didn’t see that detour coming! PS – If you want to see an amazing word on detours, check out Elevation Church’s message “I Didn’t See That Coming!” from Pastor Dharius Daniels. It’s been on repeat all week in my house – pure gold!

So, how to end this? Well, to quote another favourite song “if I’m not dead, you’re not done” (My Testimony – Elevation Worship). The process is still ongoing. I don’t yet have all the answers and I’m not meant to. I’m just full of gratitude for the pause and what it has done for my life.

Thank you, God, for the detours and delays.

Thank you that you see me and draw me to yourself (Genesis 16:13 NLT/Psalms 23:3 NLT).

Thank you for reminding me that all I need is found in you (Matthew 6:33 NLT).

Thank you for giving me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV).

Thank you that I don’t need to strive to receive your best for my life. You freely gave me your best – Jesus (Romans 3:22-24 NIV).

Thank you that your “grace is sufficient” (2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV).

Thank you that “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalms 139:14 NIV).

Thank you that I will see your “goodness while I am here in the land of the living” (Psalms 27:13 NLT).

Thank you that your “goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life” (Psalms 23:6 NLT).

This detour was the best thing to happen in a long while. Because of it, I am now contending for the promises of God not just in James’ life but in my own. Because of it, I have seen God’s goodness and faithfulness in greater depths. Because of it, I am content in the present, trusting God with the future.

Oh, and “How am I doing?” I’m healthy and content, with a dash of in-process.

43:2 Faithful

“When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you. When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down. When you’re between a rock and a hard place, it won’t be a dead end.”
Isaiah 43:2 MSG

10 years ago I was holding my 4-week old son in my arms, heartbroken, alone, and full of shame. See, for so long, all I wanted was for someone to love me. I prayed and prayed and prayed but nothing happened. I was still single and alone. So, after years of frustration, I dove into a relationship that, in hindsight, was doomed from the beginning. That unfulfilled desire for love and companionship consumed me. Instead of leaning in and trusting God, I let my feelings guide me. That led to one rocky 18-month ride, which ultimately resulted in my wonderful son.

I didn’t know it then, but I do now, that with every selfish in-the-moment compromise I made, I was giving up on God. I stopped believing. I stopped trusting. I stopped nurturing that relationship completely. I had drifted so far away from Him that I truly felt like the prodigal son (or, in this case, daughter) – afraid that there was no way back. But, like the story of the prodigal son, God was waiting with open arms. I so love that even when we’ve given up on Him, He doesn’t give up on us.

Fast-forward to today and all I can say is God is so faithful. This beautifully broken journey brought me back to Him in depths I couldn’t have imagined possible. It took a lot of tears, a lot of honest conversations, a lot of stepping beyond my comfort zone, a ton of forgiveness, and a whole lot of surrender but it was worth it. He was refining my character and re-building my heart piece-by-piece. He taught me how to persevere, to trust, to surrender, to forgive, to be joyful in all circumstances.

I’m still in process but I can say is that I am not the same person I was (and I’m beyond grateful). My life is full of joy because I know who holds me, goes before me, and is for me. I still don’t have that special someone but I know God has that for me. The difference is now I’m content to wait because I want who God has for me, in His timing.

This is one small piece of my story. I’m sharing it, with all honesty and candour, not because it’s comfortable or easy but because it’s a testimony to the grace, love, and faithfulness of God. His promises are ‘yes’ and ‘amen’……..”When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you….”

But God

Do you ever have those moments where something clicks and finally makes sense? Of course you do, we all do. Well, I had one of those moments shortly after Christmas. I can’t quite recall what I was thinking about at the time, but I do clearly remember God speaking to me saying “you’ve put me on the wrong side of the ‘but.'”

Now, this probably sounds super weird, and maybe a bit crazy. So, first and foremost, I’m going to set the foundation with I do believe in God and I believe He speaks to us today. If this is not where you’re at in your journey, I still hope you keep reading because I do believe there is some encouragement in this post for you. Onward we go…

“The wrong side of the ‘but.'” What did that mean? Well, it actually is quite simple. When we speak (or think), we form statements based on our heart-condition (i.e. the lens through which we process life). We tend to start off a statement with the things we intellectually know to be true and then we throw in the “but.” What follows that conjunction is what we truly believe.

Think about that for a minute. What follows the “but” in our statements is what we truly believe. Well God, this is who you are but this is my circumstance. God, I know you provide but… God, I know you heal but…. God, I know you fight for me but… God, I know you love me but… Fill in the blanks as you will with this statement but the reality is you’re saying God is not bigger than your circumstance. It now defines you instead of God. Intentional or not, you’re looking through the lens of fact instead of faith.

This was my reality when God spoke to me. I was taking a current circumstance and limiting it to the extent of my own understanding. Cue epiphany! Does anyone remember Proverbs 3:5&6? We are to not lean on our own understanding but in all things acknowledge Him (God) and He will make our paths straight. So, I invited God to re-write my inner dialogue and I’m praying He does the same for you while you’re reading this.

Here we go. Compare the former statements against these – Well God, this is my circumstance but You are who you say you are. God, this is my circumstance, but I know you provide. God, this is my circumstance, but I know you heal. God, this is my circumstance, but I know you’re fighting for me – You’ll bring the victory. God, this is my circumstance but I know you love me and are for me. When we start putting God on the right side of the ‘but,’ we move from our own strength to His. We give Him the authority over our circumstance. We not only allow Him to be God but we invite Him in, from a place of beautiful surrender. When we chose to believe He is who He says He is, our feelings will come into line. It’s then that we are no longer defined by our circumstance but by our Father. How amazing is that! A simple re-phrasing can fundamentally switch you from fact to faith.

So, God’s question to me was a beautiful reminder that He is for me – just as He is for you. We can truly do all things through Him who strengthens us (Philippians 4:13). We need simply to trust Him to be who He says He is. We need simply to put Him on the right side of the ‘but.’